#dan is sometimes a woman but never a lesbian phil is sometimes a lesbian but never a woman etc etc

[dykephan]

i hate fem phil edits.. she should be butch

[courtney-deserved-better]

since i don’t have time to write fics for wlw week here are some wlw headcanons! @total-drama-wlw

(if i didn’t list a woman on here it’s not bc i necessarily headcanon her as straight and more that i don’t have a specific sexuality headcanon for her in general that fits this post)

beth - bisexual and i don’t think she realizes she also likes girls until in between tda and tdwt. something about her and lindsay’s trip to paris makes her realize she likes girls and she comes out to lindsay while they’re literally in jail and lindsay is the most supportive bestie ever. beth is also sometimes a lesbian to me. as a treat.

bridgette - if she had to label her sexuality she’d probably say bisexual but i think she prefers to not use a label and just vibe.

courtney - lesbian forever and ever in my heart 💜 don’t even get me started on her (affectionate)

gwen - bisexual who’s known she’s bisexual for a while and is very chill about it until she gets her first full blown crush on a girl and then she starts freaking out (not about being bisexual, she just doesn’t know how to handle a girl crush when she can barely handle a guy crush)

heather - lesbian but doesn’t realize it at first, just thinks she’s not into guys because she’s smarter and more strategic than all these other girls who are letting feelings get in the way of a million dollars

katie & sadie - started off very boy crazy but i think over time they were more into the idea of a relationship and a partner to obsess over than the boys themselves. but they’re not ready to come out to the other person because it will make them different so they both keep up the boy crazy act until finally they’re like… wait a minute we’re both lesbians and then they probably start dating each other or something. they give me the vibe of girls who were super into dan and phil and then realized they were more into the idea of having that kind of relationship with someone of the same gender than into guys. if that makes any sense.

sierra - not sure of her exact label but she’s a girl liker in at least one alternate universe

leshawna - probably a lesbian who isn’t quite ready to come out yet, still figuring herself out and experiencing occasional attraction to men which confuses her

eva - she’s a butch lesbian to me 💜

anne maria - bisexual and chill as hell about it

jo - butch lesbian who struggles to date because she has issues with femininity but she also views other butch women as competition. girlie has a lot she needs to work out

ella - either bisexual or comphet lesbian

jasmine - bisexual and i think also poly, she’d be down to date shawn and sammy at the same time

sammy - lesbian and in the closet because she doesn’t want amy to know and bully her (amy is also a lesbian but she’ll still bully sammy)

sky - also either bisexual or lesbian comphet

axel - ive seen her as a lesbian from day one (no im not projecting because she’s the td character who looks the most like me) but bisexual axel also intrigues me. truly depends on the situation

tdi emma - bisexual but everyone thinks she’s straight. after season two when they’ve become friends again, bowie finds out she’s bisexual and needs a day to recover from the shock

julia - bisexual but heavily prefers women, refuses to show emotional weakness and therefore doesn’t date anyone for a while

millie - lesbian who always gets crushes on straight girls so she never pursues them, very pessimistic about any crushes she does get

mk - lesbian but doesn’t want to date because love is lame

nichelle - lesbian who keeps her relationships private from the media not because she’s closeted but because she doesn’t want her love life plastered in tabloids

priya - my brain says bisexual but my heart says lesbian. my headcanons contain multitudes

rr emma - she’s either a lesbian or bisexual who is so much more attracted to men that she hesitates to label herself as bi. there’s literally no in between

jen - lesbian, she and tom are wlw/mlm solidarity, they are each others’ biggest hypemen when getting ready for dates

kitty - she’s either pan or aro and still figuring that out for herself. knows she is attracted to everyone equally but doesn’t know if the level of attraction is yes or no

the geniuses - that’s just a lesbian couple

the vegans - that’s a lesbian ex-couple who stayed friends but uh. that was maybe not the wisest choice

sanders - lesbian who is either dating macarthur or knows she deserves better. idk what macarthur’s deal is in the second scenario but she would be so protective of sanders if she got a girlfriend. immediately started imagining a fic where sanders and jo start dating and it creates this big rivalry between jo and macarthur that sanders has to deal with but that rivalry turns into a friendship which relieves sanders until she realizes that they two enable each other and now she’s like “idk if this is worse”

[freckliedan]

I’m sorry if this is a dumb question but if Dan was a trans woman how would that work since Phil is gay? He would be supportive of course but would that not be an issue for the relationship? I do not mean to offend by the way!!

not a dumb question & you're not offending! i have two angles of response for this.

first: i've never put a label on dan's identity.

dan has always acted in ways that defy gender expectations for cis men. he's been increasingly open about doing so intentionally since 2017. and! that has escalated noticably since the gaming channel return. we can't determine what it means for dan, but we can be happy about it <3

my dan gender blogging is a celebration of her comfort & happiness. dan might be comfortably cis and exploring gender nonconformity. dan might be exploring identifying outside of the gender binary. either way i'm here cheering for dan's bravery and joy and openness.

second: there are so many different ways that a relationship can go when one partner figures out they're not cisgender.

sometimes when a person's partner transitions to a gender identity incompatable with their sexuality, that ends the attraction in the relationship even if they both still love and support each other. other times the relationship ends because one or both partners' identities are invalidated in an irreconcilable way.

so yes, phil's gay. but in this hypothetical i find it equally unlikely that dan would end up feeling misgendered by phil's continued attraction or that phil would feel his identity was invalidated/lose attraction as a result of dan identifying away from cisness.

we all saw how phil reacted to sister daniel, and he's been openly supportive of dan's other forays into gender exploration, past and recent.

even in a world where dan is transfeminine to some degree, that's not something that's mutually exclusive with still being a man in some regards. you can be both at once, or fluidly move between genders.

but ultimately i just don't think that phil's gayness is a bigger part of who he is than his partnership with dan. in part this is me speaking from experience?

i used to be solely a lesbian and when i realized that my partner might someday identify as a man (before he realized they're a nonbinary trans man) there was never a doubt in my mind of if we'd stay together. it just changed how i related to my sexuality & lead me to further introspection on my own gender.

i don't think phil would end up in quite the same place as i did of reassessing identity. but i also can't imagine gender coming between him and dan, after everything the two of them have been through together.

if a fic that brushes on this same question would add clarity for you, @dvp95's quiet on widow's peak is AMAZING and articulates what i'm trying to say better than i did.

does that help answer your question?

¹occasionally i or others use descriptive language that is also sometimes a self identified label, like gnc/nonbinary/genderqueer. it's never intended in an identity-labeling way when i do this, & always as an umbrella term that encompasses a variety of experiences.

[antiadvil]

Shades of Gay

summary: Dan is confused about gender things. Dan asks PJ for help.

rating: PG13

wc: 1k

notes: I wrote this for @sudden-sky because he deserves more trans fics. Additionally, I’d like to make a note about pronouns in this fic: This is a fic where Dan and Phil are both assigned female at birth because I don’t know how to write amab dysphoria. I use she/her pronouns for Dan at the beginning of this fic because it’s before they have their gender figured out and that’s their current perception of themself, not because they’re a girl in this fic. I hope I’ve handled this issue with appropriate sensitivity pls don’t cancel me.

read more or on ao3

Gender really ought to be abolished, Dan thought for the millionth time as she looked in the mirror. Who decided to categorize people into two arbitrary categories based on what flesh flaps were present between their legs when they were born? And were they still alive enough that she could find them, hit them with a stick, and demand that they undo it?

It was well past noon and she had barely managed to get out of bed fifteen minutes ago. She felt tired down to her very bones, despite the ten hours of sleep she had gotten the previous night. It took everything in her not to go back to bed.

She could hear Fi wandering around their apartment, but for some reason, Dan didn’t want to face her girlfriend of ten years that day, or anyone, really. Dan was having more and more days like that lately. She didn’t really want to think about why.

Fi had to leave for a meeting in a few minutes. Dan would just wait to leave their room until then. 

Dan dug through her dresser and mindlessly changed into the usual outfit of jeans, a baggy t-shirt, and a baggy sweatshirt.

It wouldn’t be that hard, she thought, if it wasn’t for the fact that if she wasn’t a man and she wasn’t a woman, who could she be? Trying to find out if she was a man or a woman didn’t seem that hard. But what did you even call someone who wasn’t either?

Dan knew the technical answers. There was genderqueer and nonbinary and genderfluid and agender and gender neutral and gender netrois which was different than gender neutral for some reason and all the labels spun around in her head over and over until she got dizzy.

And if any of these labels did happen to apply, and Dan wasn’t convinced they did, there was still Fi. Fi, who was a lesbian. Fi, who was attracted to women. Fi, who was (probably) not attracted to people who were not women. 

Dan had no illusions about that. It might be better if Fi didn’t know Dan had been questioning her gender for the better part of five years. So Dan hadn’t told her.

In fact, Dan hadn’t told anyone about it. Ever. It wasn’t like that was uncommon for her- feelings, in Dan’s opinion, were for the most part much too embarrassing and personal to be shared. Her therapist was doing his best to pry her open, but the process was slow and painful. For now, emotions stayed inside of Dan, and if they built until they exploded? Well, then they exploded. And that was that.

Dan remembered the time she had savagely attacked her hair with a pair of scissors when she was fourteen, the way her mom cried afterwards. Dan’s life was scattered with emotional outbursts. What were a few more possibly gender related ones?

But sometimes, Dan needed a friend. So Dan called her only trans friend and asked if they could talk. And PJ, who must have sensed it was urgent (Dan never called, only texted), picked up, and they met in a Starbucks just a block from Dan’s apartment.

“See, that’s the thing about gender,” PJ said, leaning across the table. “Everything’s a gender thing. And nothing is.”

Dan frowned. “Explain.”

“There isn’t anything inherent about gender. You can wear dresses and makeup and be a hundred percent a boy, or wear suits and ties and be a girl. The way you dress, the way you act, the way you want people to address you- it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Maybe none of it does. Or maybe all of it does. But speaking of ways you’re addressed, have you thought about pronouns?” PJ asked, sipping on his coffee.

“Pronouns?” Dan picked at a croissant.

“Yes, Dan.” The fondness in PJ’s voice poked through. “The pronouns you’d like to go by. It’s no pressure, of course, but I want to call you what you’d like to be called.”

Dan shrugged. “I don’t know.” Dan did know. A bit. But Dan did not want to think it, let alone say it out loud.

“Well.” PJ’s fingers drummed against his coffee mug. “You have three main options.”

Dan looked down.

“Or names,” PJ offered, switching tactics. “You’ve always preferred Dan over Danielle, haven’t you?”

Dan nodded.

“Why?” PJ asked.

“I don’t know,” Dan said honestly. “Danielle is just so- ugh.” Dan shuddered.

“You don’t have an issue with other people named Danielle,” PJ pointed out.

“It’s a perfectly fine name,” Dan admitted. “I just- don’t like it on me.”

“So do you think you’d like to keep going by Dan?” PJ asked.

Dan thought about it. “I think so.”

“Okay,” PJ said. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“No,” Dan admitted.

“So,” PJ said. “Pronouns?” When Dan didn’t respond, he pressed further. “They don’t need to be permanent, you know. I went by they for ages before deciding he was a better fit, and I went by she for even longer. I have friends who did the opposite. There’s no shame in changing your mind.”

Dan stared at PJ’s cup of coffee.

“Like I said, it’s no pressure. You don’t need an answer now. But for your sake, I think you should about it. Okay?”

Dan thought about it on the walk home.

Pronouns were weird. And hard. She/her had worked well enough for over twenty years. But if Dan was thinking about gender- well, trying out they/them or he/him seemed like the next logical step. As was talking to Fi, as much as it might hurt.

Which was how Dan ended up standing in the doorway, staring at Fi, trying to memorize her like this, just in case: her long, dark eyelashes against her snowy cheeks, her short, heavily bitten fingernails tapping against her keyboard, her warm, blue eyes noticing Dan and glancing up.

Dan cleared their throat gently. “Fi?” they asked. “Can we talk?”

[adorkablephil]

Fic: Happily Ever After 6 (Healing)

Title: Happily Ever After Rating: Teen (for Dan’s language, as usual) Word Count for This Chapter: 7.5K (!) Summary: Dan proposes marriage, but Phil’s reaction isn’t quite what he’d been expecting or hoping for. Genre(s): Angst, Fluff, Established Relationship, Marriage Proposals, Gay Marriage, Commitment, Relationship Issues Author’s Note: This chapter again focuses on the topics of homophobia, biphobia, and the internalization of both/either of these. Again, I’ve tried to treat those topics with respect and hope that readers will forgive me if I’ve unintentionally written anything insensitive. Also, this chapter contains some spoilers for the tv series “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” but if you haven’t seen it yet then maybe these spoilers will convince you to watch it. :) Also available on AO3 here

[Masterlist of all “Happily Ever After” chapters on Tumblr]

They didn’t talk about it all at once, not right away, because Phil needed to think.

“I’m very confused right now,” he admitted hesitantly. “But I understand why you’re so upset—I really do. If I’d heard somebody else tell you that gay marriage was less valid than straight marriage, I would have expected you to kick their butts. Verbally, I mean.” He looked away, frowning unhappily. “And I know you’re right—I know that’s basically what I’m saying.” He shook his head, then looked back to meet Dan’s eyes. “But knowing it rationally, being able to recognize it … that doesn’t magically make the way I feel go away. I wish it did.” He looked genuinely, deeply upset.

Dan wasn’t touching him, just sitting near on the sofa and watching his face. He wasn’t sure exactly what Phil was trying to say, but it didn’t sound good. “So … what now?

Phil sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face, then looked at Dan again, and his eyes were tired and sad. “I need to think. Because … I need to figure out where those feelings are coming from if I ever want to get past them and have any chance of being with you. Because I know you won’t stay with me like this.”

This time Dan was the one who sighed. He was still feeling a little angry at Phil’s internalized homophobia—or biphobia, maybe?—but also felt bad for being angry when the stupid prejudice obviously hurt Phil more than anyone else.

Okay, so maybe right now it was hurting Dan just as much.

He didn’t know what to say, because Phil was right. Dan wouldn’t want to stay with him if things remained like this, now that he knew how Phil felt, how Phil saw not only their own future but also the social fabric of Dan’s reality. He couldn’t stay with someone who looked down on gay marriage—that attitude was just too diametrically opposed to everything he stood for, everything most important to him about his own moral compass.

Phil tentatively rested a hand on his arm, and Dan realized that he’d been staring off at nothing. He looked into Phil’s face again and saw a grim set to his mouth. “I…” Phil began, then stalled. He visibly braced himself, then started again. “I can’t promise anything about … us getting married. The proposal, and … well … my answer. I have so much to think about before I can make a decision like that, and I don’t think it would be fair to you for me to even consider that before figuring out the deeper stuff.” Dan nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly that Phil had a lot of other serious shit to work out before something like that was even an option. Phil took Dan’s hand in his, not holding it very tightly as if not sure of his welcome, and Dan squeezed gently, glad to feel Phil squeeze back. Phil continued then, as if Dan’s bit of physical reassurance had given him the courage. “I can’t promise anything about that, but I can promise that I will work to figure this all out, harder than I’ve ever worked on anything before. And we’ll talk about it all. Because…” Phil choked up on the word and paused, swallowing. He licked his lips, then said, “Because whatever happens with us in the long term, your respect matters to me more than anything, Dan. I couldn’t stand knowing that I’d lost that. Even if we weren’t together anymore, as long as I knew you weren’t ashamed to know me…”

Dan interrupted him, “I’m not ashamed to know you, Phil. I’m just … I’m upset, okay?”

Phil nodded. “I know. But I just want you to understand that I’m going to do everything I can to make myself into someone you can love again.”

Dan smiled gently and reached up to rest his hand against the side of Phil’s face. “You don’t have to change the person you are. I still love you, Phil.”

Phil ducked his head, escaping from Dan’s touch, and said quietly, “I think right now you just don’t like me very much. And I’m going to try everything I can to be someone you can like again.” Dan opened his mouth to speak, but Phil held up his hand and added quickly, “Not just for you, but because I know you’re right about this. I hadn’t even realized I was prejudiced about this, but I can see now that I am, and I don’t want to be. So I’m doing this as much for me as for you. Okay?”

Dan took Phil’s hand again and squeezed it a little tighter this time. “That sounds pretty brave, to face your own demons like that. Most people aren’t strong enough to do it. And I’ll be here for you. I promise I’ll never pressure you about your answer to my question on the beach, but I’m making no promises about making my feelings and opinions clear in other ways. I’m not very good at keeping quiet when I care about something.”

Phil chuckled. “I know. And that’s fine. I love you with your passionate opinions and philosophical rants. I think maybe sometimes they might even help. We do need to talk. And maybe sometimes I’ll need to just hide away to focus on my own thoughts. I don’t know. I guess … we’ll see how it goes.”

Dan nodded. He felt better, knowing that Phil was taking the issues seriously instead of defending his prejudiced position. There was no way of knowing what their future would hold, but it looked less hopeless than it had a day or two ago.

“You do believe me, don’t you? I was never looking for anybody else, not the entire time we’ve been together. I only ever wanted you. I still only want you. You believe me, right?”

“Yeah, I believe you, Phil.”

“I never want to marry anybody else. I just want to stay with you forever. You make me … so … so … happy.”

“Phil, it’s okay. Don’t cry. We’ll work this out.”

Phil asked if they could watch the musical episode of Buffy. It was his favorite thing to watch when he was feeling down, so Dan knew he’d been fretting again. To be honest, he seemed to be fretting most of the time lately. The flat was quiet these days. It had been about a week since Phil had said he needed time to think, and he seemed to be taking the task seriously. They still spent time together, still outwardly kept to the same patterns and habits, but Phil’s thoughts just seemed more inwardly directed. He was less bubbly and more contemplative.

So they were cuddled up together under a blanket on the sofa, watching Willow and Tara sing to each other about the magic of their love, when Dan felt a rant coming on. He paused the show and scowled.

“This has always bugged me. I mean, I think Willow’s storyline about her falling in love with Tara is really well done, and I think their relationship is deeper and more romantic than any other relationship Willow has had, but I have a lot of respect for Joss Whedon and I think he dropped the ball on this one.”

Dan was gesturing with his hands as he spoke, and he noticed that Phil wore that tolerant smile that always graced his face when Dan started expressing his passionate opinions about something. Dan knew that Phil accepted and maybe even appreciated this about him, so he knew it was okay to just rant until he was done, that Phil would listen to him patiently … and then they would unpause the show and finish watching it as if Dan’s verbal tempest hadn’t happened. He just had to let out the steam before he could settle down again.

“Sure, his decision to prominently feature a lesbian couple and show them kissing on a fairly mainstream show was revolutionary at the time, and he took a big risk there, but he treats Willow’s sexuality like it’s a switch that gets flipped. The entire first three seasons of the show, she’s presented as actively heterosexual, with no hints of same-sex attraction. She’s so attracted to Xander that she can’t keep her hands off him! And her relationship with Oz, while maybe not as intense as her later relationship with Tara, is still very real and loving and romantic. She was definitely in love with Oz, and he’s a guy! The fact that she later has a relationship with a woman doesn’t mean she ‘turned gay’! It just means she’s probably bisexual! Or pansexual or sapiosexual or whatever! But why didn’t Joss Whedon just present it that way? Why does Willow spend the rest of the series insisting that she’s ‘gay now’?  It’s ridiculous. It’s like bisexuality doesn’t even exist! It’s like everyone has to be either straight or gay, and there are no other options, so Willow just switches teams! It pisses me off that the media presents the whole issue as so black-and-white, and I’m incredibly disappointed that someone as progressive as Joss Whedon did the same fucking thing!”

Phil was nodding amiably, but not interrupting Dan’s avalanche of words. When Dan didn’t say anything more, Phil asked, “Ready to go back to the show?”

Dan relaxed back into their cuddle, realizing that he had leaned forward tensely as he ranted, and grumbled quietly, “I’m just pissed that Joss Whedon didn’t have the balls to go somewhere a little more complicated instead of playing into the whole ‘bisexuals just need to choose a side’ stereotype. He’s invalidating you and me and thousands or maybe even millions of other people.”

Phil chuckled softly and whispered in Dan’s ear, “Thank you for defending my honor. My hero.”

Dan rolled his eyes, but turned for a quick kiss before reaching for the remote. “Okay. Rant over. Back to the lesbian love song. The clearly implied cunnilingus is about to happen. Gotta give Joss Whedon props for that.”

Phil burst out laughing and Dan grinned at him. He thought maybe Phil’s smile looked a little brighter than it had in a while. They unpaused the show and snuggled together to watch the rest of the episode.

“I think maybe my feelings about being bisexual are a major part of what’s going on with me.”

“My rant about Willow got you thinking?”

“I just … I realized that I have a lot of mixed feelings about it.”

“I’m here if you want to talk.”

“I know. I just … I need to think. But thanks.”

Dan had been hesitant to bring this up for the past couple weeks, but finally he decided to ask Phil about it so it would stop fucking eating at him.

“Can I ask you a serious question?”

Phil was sitting on his end of the couch, doing something on his laptop, but he closed it and turned to look at Dan. “Sure.” He looked nervous.

Dan paused, uncertain, then plowed forward. “What … what were you doing for those three weeks on the Isle of Man when you didn’t even … I mean, you didn’t even text me or anything, that whole time. I didn’t know what to think. I asked you to marry me, and you said you needed time, and then … you just dropped me.” He realized how hurt he was feeling as he said those last words. The hurt had lingered and perhaps even sharpened over time, so he was glad he’d finally gotten the nerve to bring it up before it got even worse.

Phil looked down at his lap, fingers worrying at the blanket that partially covered him. “Honest?” he queried tentatively.

Dan nodded, not sure if Phil would notice the motion, and said, “Honest. Always honest.”

Phil met his gaze, and his eyes were filled with pain. “I mostly just took long walks by myself and imagined what my life was going to be like without you.”

That hit Dan hard. “You were planning to leave me?”

Phil shook his head. “I was sure you were going to leave me. That’s why it took me so long to come back. I didn’t want to face you after I’d made such a mess of things. Everything you said on the beach was so beautiful, and then it just brought up all these feelings I hadn’t expected, and I was sure you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Neither of them said anything for a long time, then Phil added quietly, “It took me three weeks to work up the courage to face you after what I’d done.”

Dan moved to sit closer to him and pulled him into a hug. “I’m so glad you did.”

The situation was hard on Dan, because he was used to going to Phil whenever he was upset about something to get comfort … but in this case Phil was the thing that was upsetting him.

So sometimes he would come into the lounge and just crawl into Phil's lap and not say anything, just press close and take comfort from the feel and smell of Phil, the man he loved, the man who had always been there for him. And he wouldn’t think about any of the mess they were in right now, but just breathe Phil in and soak Phil in and remember all the good things.

And Phil would hold him in his arms and kiss his hair and not say anything.

Phil had his bad days, too.

It was almost a month into Phil’s “thinking” when Dan woke up alone in the bed. That wasn’t an altogether unusual occurrence, since Phil usually woke earlier than he did, but it didn’t usually happen at 4 a.m.

He pulled on his track bottoms and walked shirtless to the lounge, where he found Phil sitting on the sofa, apparently deep in thought. He didn’t even have his phone or laptop—he was just sitting in the dim light, staring at nothing. He looked over when he heard Dan pad barefoot into the room and smiled softly but said nothing.

“I woke up and you were gone,” Dan explained, but there was no blame in his voice. “You okay?”

Phil nodded, his face falling back into troubled lines. He’d looked like that so much lately. It made him look older. It made him look weary. “Thinking,” he replied, glancing away.

Dan walked closer and stood right before him. He ran a hand gently through Phil’s soft hair and said, “Maybe you don’t have to think so hard right now. Maybe you can just … be.” He climbed onto the sofa and curled up against Phil, wrapping arms around him and pulling him so close that Phil was half in his lap.

Phil, too, was shirtless, clad only in pyjama bottoms, and so as they cuddled their bare skin pressed together and Dan tried to will his own warmth into this man he loved so much. “This is all my fault,” Phil mumbled, and he sounded absolutely desolated. “How can you be so nice to me when I’m doing this to you?”

Dan pulled him closer, pulled Phil all the way into his lap, lanky limbs and all, and squeezed him as if he could join their bodies together through pure force of will. “It’s because I love you, you moron. And so when you hurt, I hurt. And I know you’re hurting. I’ve never wanted that.” He stroked Phil’s hair again, pulling his head down to rest on Dan’s shoulder. “We’re in this together,” he said firmly. “No matter what, I’m with you. Always. Forever. Count on it.”

Phil put his arms around Dan and squeezed just as hard as Dan was. “I love you so much,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.”

Dan pulled Phil’s face up and kissed him slowly, softly, trying to show him the depth of his feelings through the pressure of his lips alone. They’d been together a long time. They knew the language of each other’s kisses.

When he pulled away, Phil’s body was more relaxed and the lines of worry had eased from his face. He lifted a hand to the side of Dan’s face and leaned in for another kiss. Dan could read regret in it, but also so much love that he almost couldn’t breathe.

“Together,” Phil whispered afterward. “We’ll get through this together. Because that’s what it means to really be in love for the long haul. Right?”

Dan nodded and smiled, darting in for another quick kiss. “Right. Now … come back to bed? Cuddling there is a lot more comfortable.” He shifted Phil off his lap and stood, holding out his hand. Phil took it, and they walked together back to the bedroom, where they crawled under the covers together and held each other close until they’d both fallen into a peaceful sleep.

The sex was intense during that first month. Phil consistently held his gaze, eyes tender and fervid, as they touched and moved together and were as close as it was possible for them to get. His hands moved over Dan’s skin as if he caressed the most precious thing in the world.

“How is it possible that we’ve been together for 7 years, and we’ve talked so often about our future, and you apparently never once thought about marriage?”

“Well, I mean, of course the topic crossed my mind. I mean, I may not stalk my Tumblr tag but it’s hard to miss the crazy stuff people write in the live show chat.”

“Crazy stuff?”

“Don’t look like that! I just meant that the fans make up all kinds of theories and write all kinds of stuff about us, and I just sort of … thought of it as part of that.”

“Just … over-the-top shipper fantasies? Nothing … real? Nothing that could ever really happen?”

“Dan … I’m sorry. I’m just trying my best to be completely honest.”

“Yeah. I get that.”

Sometimes Dan got angry and frustrated and went out to cafes for hours just to get away from the flat. To get away from Phil. Sometimes he wondered why he was putting himself through this, what the fuck he was waiting for.

Dan had been lost in the Google vortex—looking up one thing after another after another—for he wasn’t even sure how long when he realized he hadn’t seen Phil in a while. He walked down the hall to Phil’s bedroom to find the door open, but Phil just sitting on the bed, leaning back against the wicker headboard fully clothed, lost in thought.

“Hey,” Dan said. “What’s up?”

“Did you know … when I came out to my flatmates in uni, they laughed.” Phil had been blurting out these seemingly random non sequiturs for weeks now, so Dan didn’t blink an eye.

“Yeah?” He’d found that just listening and asking questions seemed to help the conversations along best when they popped up like this. He sat down on the edge of Phil’s bed.

“One of the guys was even gay. But they all thought I was joking at first, like being bisexual is so unimaginable that it’s obviously a prank.” His face was set in grim lines. “Over that first year, they all said various stuff. Like I was just confused, or not ready to admit that I was gay. That I just hadn’t met the right person yet.” He looked at Dan. “Not a single one of them took me seriously.”

Dan nodded. He’d heard this kind of stuff before, not about Phil but just generally about how bi people were often treated. He could hear the underlying anger in Phil’s voice, buried deep below the hurt.

“When I got a girlfriend, my friends said it was proof that I was straight. I tried to explain that I’d be just as interested in having a boyfriend, but nobody seemed interested in actually listening. And … I was so upset that nobody seemed to care … I went to this LGBT club at the university. I figured it was the one place where people might understand, you know?”

Phil paused as if remembering, then continued. “They were all friendly and everything, even when I said I was bisexual, but when I mentioned that I had a girlfriend, suddenly … well, they weren’t as friendly anymore. They acted like having a girlfriend made me straight, so I didn’t belong anymore.”

Phil stopped talking, and Dan saw a muscle in his jaw clench. His eyes were blazing when he looked at Dan again. “What part of ‘bisexual’ did they not understand? What part of ‘interested in both’ was so difficult to grasp? Having a girlfriend didn’t make me straight any more than having a boyfriend would have made me gay. But nobody seemed to understand that. Not even the fucking LGBT club.” Phil almost never swore, so the word told Dan how angry he was.

Phil looked away again, and the anger in his face slowly faded. Now he just looked tired. He shrugged dismissively, but Dan wasn’t fooled by the attempt at casualness. “I dated a few people in uni, not just that one girl. A couple girls, a couple guys. But all of them seemed to think that because I was bisexual I was going to cheat on them. Like I had such an insatiable desire for both that I wouldn’t be able to settle for just one in the long term. They just couldn’t seem to understand that what interested me was people, and that I was capable of committing to one—the only difference was that I didn’t care which gender they were. So none of the relationships lasted.”

He looked up at Dan again. “None of them lasted until I met you.” Dan reached out, and Phil took his hand, but the touch was light and hesitant.

“And even then I guess I was letting all that past stuff come between us … and I didn’t even realize it. Not until you asked me to marry you and it all came crashing down on me.” His grasp on Dan’s hand became a little firmer as he said, “I’m so sorry about that.”

Dan finally spoke up. “You’ve said you’re sorry about ten thousand times in the past couple months, Phil. I get it, and you’re forgiven. Just … try to let go of being sorry … and work on moving forward. Because being sorry is something you do by yourself, but moving forward is something we can do together.”

Sex had become more tentative between them. Dan looked for the same passion he’d seen in Phil’s eyes, but found a deep sadness, as if Phil had sunk so deep into his own grief, his own past, that he wasn’t fully present, as if some part of him was always stuck in those remembered wrongs.

Dan felt like he was making love with a ghost.

“I’m grateful to 22-year-old Phil every day for responding to your pesky tweets.”

“Really?”

“I’d never have gotten to know 25-year-old Dan otherwise, and 25-year-old Dan is my favorite person in the world.”

“Can I ask another potentially uncomfortable question?”

“I’m ready.”

“What does ‘marriage’ actually mean to you? What do you think of when you hear the word?”

“I don’t know. I guess … paperwork. Legal mumbo jumbo. Joint property. Making sure your kids are legitimate. Taxes. That sort of thing.”

“Yeah, you always did say it was just a piece of paper.”

“I can’t help it. That’s just the connotations it has for me.”

“What about your parents?”

“What about them?”

“Do you think that’s why they’re married? Joint property? Taxes?”

“Um…”

“Because I’ve always thought it seemed like they really love each other, and that’s why they’re still together after so many years. … That’s the kind of marriage I would want to have.”

Dan was in the middle of editing a video when Phil approached him and just hovered nearby, not saying anything. Dan saved his work and looked up expectantly, but reached out a hand when he saw the expression on Phil’s face. Phil took his hand and led him to their bed, where he made love to Dan as if he were precious again, as if Phil was whole again, and fully present. He looked into Dan’s eyes as he entered him, and it felt like they were truly one.

Everything wasn’t perfect, but it seemed to be getting better. Phil talked more, laughed more, made more jokes. But he was obviously still thinking.

“You’ve talked about how your uni friends acted when you came out, but how did your parents react?”

“Oh, they were pretty confused at first, but … I don’t know … they were just used to me being weird, and so this was just another weird Phil thing. They accepted it pretty easily.”

“No worries at all? Seriously?”

“Not really. Like I said, they’re used to me being weird. So I guess bisexuality didn’t seem any weirder to them than YouTube did.”

“Want to know what I’m most ashamed of, now that I’ve had the time to think about it?”

“Do you really want to talk about this right before we go to sleep?”

“I just … I haven’t had the guts to bring it up before this. And I’ve been wanting to. Because I want to be honest with you, even about the things I don’t like in myself.”

“Okay. You’ve got me scared as hell now. Go ahead.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking, and I thought about how I hate conflict. And how being bisexual is like a lifetime of coming out, a lifetime of defending myself against other people’s prejudices, and how exhausting that is, and how I don’t want to spend my life fighting this never-ending battle … and I realized that on some level, deep down, I kind of wish I could be straight, because it would make my life so much simpler.”

“Well, to be honest, it would. But you aren’t straight.”

“I know. But I think … when I thought about someday marrying a woman and settling down and having kids … it was like this idealized future where I wouldn’t have to fight anymore, you know? Where I wouldn’t have to always be explaining myself … and I could just … be. And it wouldn’t actually be dishonest, because I do like women, and I could easily have ended up with a woman … and that future could have happened. But instead I fell in love with you.”

“Phil … are you sorry?”

“God, Dan, I could never be sorry about that!”

“Okay! Okay! I believe you! Keep at me like that and we’ll never go to sleep, because I’ll have to ravish you all over again!”

“I just wanted you to know. I figured out where that idea came from. I think it came from wanting to avoid conflict, wanting to have my life be simple and easy and normal.”

“I once heard this wise saying: Normalness leads to sadness.”

“You know, I’ve heard that, too!”

“Sounds pretty smart to me.”

They were in the shower, of all places, and Phil was washing Dan’s back when he asked out of the blue—as all his questions seemed to be these past few months—“Why do you want to get married so badly?”

Dan turned to look at him, the black hair plastered to his head, wet fringe swept back and water droplets clinging to his eyelashes like impending tears. But his eyes were incredibly clear in the light of the bathroom, their unique combination of colors like a stream flowing over brightly colored pebbles, and the look in them was soft and fond.

“Well, the truth is that I don’t really want to get married all that badly.” He waited a beat for Phil’s incredulity and was not disappointed.

Phil sputtered. “But … I thought … what about … on the beach … all those things you said … and what’s all this been about, then … I mean…”

Dan lifted a finger and pressed it to Phil’s lips, silencing him. “I don’t particularly care about getting married, but I do want to marry you. It isn’t about getting married. It’s about marrying you.”

Phil apparently decided that the best way to wash Dan’s back was to pull him closer, pressing their chests together, and wrapping his arms around him so he could run his soapy hands over Dan’s back in an embrace. Dan put his arms around Phil’s neck and smiled at him.

“So why do you want to marry me so badly?” Phil asked, and his voice had gone a bit husky.

Dan had been waiting weeks for this question, so he was well prepared. He wove his fingers into the wet hair on the back of Phil’s head and looked directly into his eyes. “I want to marry you, Philip Lester, because I love you so much that I don’t want to keep it to myself. I want to stand in front of our friends and family and viewers and the Queen and the House of fucking Lords and declare that I adore you and want you by my side for the rest of our lives. I want to sign pieces of paper that tie us together, because I want to tie you to me in every way possible. No, not in a kinky way, you perv. We’re not talking about the bedroom right now. We’re talking about life. I’m talking about saying, ‘This person is half my life, and I want to declare it in every way possible. I would get his name tattooed on my forehead if it weren’t so aesthetically offensive, and instead I’d like to wear his ring on my finger and introduce him every day for the rest of our lives as my husband.’”

Phil looked a little shellshocked, and his hands had stilled on Dan’s back. They just stood there under the shower spray, looking into each other’s eyes.

“Does that answer your question?” Dan asked smugly, and Phil just nodded, apparently struck dumb.

“Okay then. It’s your turn. Let me wash your back.” They changed places and Dan ran soapy hands over the smooth skin of Phil’s pale back, pausing a moment to knead a bit at his shoulders. They weren’t particularly tense, and that discovery made Dan very happy.

Dan occasionally got texts from Phil’s mum. She never asked anything too nosy, but her extreme curiosity was evident in the questions she did ask.

How are you and my Philly doing?

Anything new with you boys?

I hope we’ll see you again soon under much happier circumstances, dear.

Dan always responded with affection and respect, but no actual information.

“What if I said no?”

“Said no to what?”

“What if I said no, I don’t want to get married? Would that end us?”

“I really don’t want to turn this into an ultimatum, Phil. That’s not fair to you.”

“Let me decide what’s fair to me. And what I think is fair is for you to be honest about what’s at stake here.”

“Phil … to be honest, I don’t know. I’ve been trying not to think about it. The important thing right now is for you to figure out how you feel, and we can deal with the rest later.”

“But all those things you said in the shower about wanting to marry me…”

“I do want to marry you. Very much. But if you don’t want to marry me, then I don’t want it either. Because getting married would be about us, Phil, about what we both want, not just about what I want.”

“So you’d be okay with not getting married?”

“Phil … I’d really rather not think about it right now. I’m sorry, but I don’t want this to turn into an ultimatum even in my own head. I love you. I want to marry you. If you decide that’s not what you want, then we’ll talk about it together, okay?”

“Okay.”

Dan was in the kitchen getting plates for their Indian takeaway when Phil lounged in the doorway and asked, “Did you tell my family that you proposed to me? I mean, before you left that day on the Isle of Man?”

Dan turned to look at him but couldn’t read Phil’s expression. He sighed. Hopefully this wouldn’t make Phil angry.

“To be honest … well … I actually sat them all down beforehand and … well … I sort of asked for their blessing.” He turned back to the cupboards to get the plates, not wanting to watch Phil’s face in case it did something he didn’t want to see.

Phil sounded shocked when he replied, “Before you even asked me?”

Dan’s voice squeaked embarrassingly when he said, “Yes?” It sounded like a question, even though it really wasn’t. He slowly turned with the plates in his hands and looked at Phil, his heart in his throat.

Phil’s face was a mask. “So … they’ve known this whole time? All of them?”

Dan put the plates on the counter and swallowed nervously. “Um. Yeah. Before I left, I asked them not to tell you, because I didn’t want them to pressure you.”

The blankness on Phil’s face turned to puzzlement. “Why would they have pressured me?”

Dan could feel himself blushing. He turned to open the food containers. “They all seemed … pretty keen on the idea.”

He couldn’t see Phil as he focused with unnecessary diligence on spooning rice and curry onto the plates, but the silence behind him was making him increasingly anxious.

“That would explain some of the texts I’ve gotten from my mum these past few months,” Phil said with a bit of amusement in his tone.

Dan turned to look at him nervously. “You aren’t mad?”

Phil looked thoughtful for a moment. “I guess not. I mean, it’s kind of weird to find out that they’ve known this whole time and never said anything … and it’s kind of weird that you talked to them about it before you talked to me … but … no, I guess I’m not mad.”

They took their plates into the lounge, but before he turned on the tv, Phil said, “I’m surprised my mum was so keen, though. She’s always really wanted grandchildren and … well … you know … that would have been easier if I were with a woman, so I would have expected her to be hesitant. I guess maybe she’s just hoping for Martyn and Cornelia.”

Dan put his plate down, feeling a bit offended. “You know it would be perfectly easy for us to have kids. There are loads of kids who need good homes, just waiting to be adopted. Or there are surrogates. There are options, Phil. Two men being married doesn’t mean not raising kids.” After a moment, he added more softly, “We could totally have kids.” He picked up his plate and took a self-righteous bite of food, not looking at Phil. He chewed, waiting, but Phil didn’t say anything. He still hadn’t turned the tv on, though.

“And maybe it’s also because my mum loves you and would rather see me raise kids with you than with some fictional woman I could have ended up with instead.”

Dan’s head whipped around. Phil was smiling softly. Then a silly grin grew on his face. “We could have kids,” he marveled in a near whisper.

Dan smiled back, wide and happy. “Yeah, we could.”

They sat there just beaming at each other until Dan remembered their food would be getting cold. “But for right now,” he said with a chuckle, “we can have curry. And Attack on Titan.”

Phil nodded, gave Dan one more smile, and then tucked into his dinner. Dan couldn’t help but let his hopes soar into the stratosphere.

Dan was shocked when Phil became more withdrawn after the conversation about children. He’d thought they’d really connected, that they’d shared a moment of dreams for their future, and now Phil seemed to be pulling away. He was spending more time in the bedroom instead of hanging out with Dan in the lounge, and when they did spend time together Phil seemed distracted and reserved.

One week passed like that, then two.

Dan went back to his occasional silent requests for cuddles, and Phil always complied, taking him into his arms and holding him just as he always had, but Dan couldn’t help feeling like Phil was doing him a favor. It made him a little angry … but, really, the anger was just hurt wearing a defensive mask. He’d thought they were growing closer, that Phil was figuring things out and moving toward Dan … but now he seemed to be moving further away instead.

Dan didn’t understand it. But he didn’t ask, because he was afraid of what Phil would say. He was afraid that Phil was making up his mind, or that he already had, and that his decision was resulting in this slow and silent withdrawal.

When they made love, Dan found himself grasping at Phil with desperate hands, trying to hold him tightly as if to prevent him from slipping away. Because it felt like he was.

“Can we talk?”

Dan heard the words from Phil’s lips, but they seemed to set his ears to ringing and he felt like he might actually faint. Phil sounded serious, and so Dan knew there was only one topic that could be on his mind.

Phil had decided. Sure, Dan had said that they could talk about it afterward, but in these past few weeks of feeling so alone even with Phil drifting around the house in a haze, Dan had realized that Phil could really truly break his heart. He kept imagining Phil’s face saying, “I don’t want to marry you,” and trying to imagine how they could bounce back from that, what kind of relationship they could have once Phil had decided that he didn’t want to stand in front of the House of fucking Lords and declare his eternal love and commitment. Would it create an inequality in the relationship, with both of them knowing Dan wanted more than Phil did? Or would they be able to make it work somehow? Maybe even still be able to find a way to spend their lives together, just … not married.

He realized he’d been standing there, frozen, not responding to Phil’s question. He had just entered the lounge and Phil was sitting in his usual spot at the far end of the sofa. Dan walked like a man to the gallows and took his own usual seat in the sofa crease at the opposite end. The space between them seemed infinite. But then Phil unexpectedly scooted closer.

“I’ve thought about all of this a lot,” Phil began.

Dan couldn’t help interrupting. “I noticed.”

Phil smiled. Dan didn’t.

“Dan, I owe you an apology. I owe you lots of apologies, actually. The biggest one, though, is that I’m sorry my feelings about my own sexuality ended up messing things up so badly between us.” Dan looked down at his hands, but Phil reached out and took them in his. Dan hadn’t been expecting that. Phil continued, “I never wanted to hurt you, and I know that I did. I know that I’ve been hurting you all along these past few months, making you wait for me to make up my stupid mind.”

Phil paused then asked nervously, “Could you look at me? Please?” Dan looked up and met Phil’s gaze. He still looked so serious, but he tried to smile again. “I wanted to tell you that … I’ve thought a lot … and I realized that the idea I had when I was younger, that stupid thought that someday I might marry some unknown woman and settle down … that idea was all about having a normal life, an easier life … but you helped him realize that getting married isn’t just about making your life easier or even better … it’s about choosing a particular person, and making your life better with that specific, special person.”

Dan was listening very closely now, because he was getting the feeling that this wasn’t going where he’d thought it would. He was trying not to make assumptions, but…

Phil raised Dan’s hands and kissed each one softly, then said, “When I thought about that ‘normal’ marriage when I was young, it was just a fantasy … but the love you and I have is better than any fantasy. It’s real and strong and it’s forever. I want it to be forever, and I want everyone to know that.”

Phil got down on one knee on the floor at Dan’s feet and Dan gasped. He was embarrassed that he’d gasped like a girl in a cliché rom-com, but he had to admit that he did. Phil shrugged a little, looking self-conscious but adorable. “You didn’t get on one knee because you said you wanted to ask me to marry you face-to-face like equals, but I’m coming to you on bended knee because I’m asking you to forgive me for all the stupid ways I’ve hurt you. I always said marriage was just a piece of paper, but the fact that I got so worked up about it … well, I realized that was proof that it did really matter to me.”

He looked up into Dan’s face, still holding Dan’s hands in his, and took a deep breath. He looked really nervous now, and Dan just wanted to kiss him. Wanted to kiss him so very badly, but also couldn’t wait to hear what he was going to say next. “So, Dan Howell, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me for how I let my past get in our way … and if you can find it in your heart to forgive me for how long I kept you waiting … and if you can find it in your heart to still love me like you did on that beach on the Isle of Man all those months ago … then would you please do me the honor of becoming my husband, declaring our love before Queen and country, sharing the rest of your life with me, and maybe even helping me give my mum some grand-kids to fawn over?” Phil pretended to look around him as if searching for something, then added, “I don’t have a box of rings to offer, but I think there’s probably one in the flat somewhere.”

Dan laughed with relief and joy, then released Phil’s hands to shove at his shoulder. “I thought you were pulling me aside to tell me no, you berk! You’ve barely spoken to me for weeks! I was a nervous wreck!”

Phil beamed at him. “That makes two of us! So … is this a yes, then?”

Dan pulled Phil up and into his lap and kissed him as he’d been longing to do, then pulled away to say, “Yes! Marry me, you fool!”

Phil whooped, then landed a proper passionate kiss on Dan. It went on for a while, but Dan was in no hurry to end it. Finally, when Phil reluctantly pulled away, he said, “I’m sorry if I’ve seemed distant lately. I just … when everything started coming together in my head, it was a little overwhelming … and I needed time to figure out if this was really what I wanted.”

“And it is?” Dan hated himself for still needing reassurance, but he had to ask the question anyway.

“How can you doubt it after that whole speech?” Phil exclaimed. “I worked so hard on that!”

Dan leaned his head on Phil’s shoulder and said quietly, “It was a beautiful speech.”

He felt Phil press a kiss to his hair, then Phil admitted hesitantly, “I should be honest … I’m still a little nervous about coming out. It hasn’t always gone so well for me in the past, you know.”

Dan raised his head and met Phil’s eyes. “But this time we’ll be doing it together.”

[Continue to Chapter 7]

Author’s Note: And so the angsty part of this story comes to an end! One more chapter, then a short epilogue, and we’re done!

[heyheycaitalin]

I'm not ready to say this to anyone IRL, but I feel like I can shout it into the void here.

I'm not straight.

I think I'm bisexual. Not really 100% sure because I've never been with a girl, ever, and I'm in a happy monogamous hetero marriage so it probably will never happen, I just know I have too many Feelings for women to be straight. Bi is the closest fitting description for me. I'm bi.

I don't know why I'm stressing over this. Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't change my life that much. I'm still the same person. My marriage isn't changing. The only people this affects are myself and maybe my husband.

I don't think I'm going to come out officially IRL. I just don't know how the majority of my family would handle it and I don't want to start anything painful over this. I don't know if I want to tell my grandparents. If I do, they might die being disappointed in me and I can't bear that. But if I don't, they might die before ever knowing the full truth about me and I'd never know if they'd accept me.

Both of my parents already died not knowing this about me so I'll never know what they would've thought. Neither of them were outright homophobes (as far as I know) but they weren't very pro LGBT either. They were Christians living in the South, and as far as I know they didn't know many (or any) gay people. My mom was disappointed when she learned there was no chance she'd ever be Mrs. Ricky Martin, but she didn't hate him for coming out. I think my mom would've said she may not understand it and seeing me date a girl would be weird, but she loves me and wants me to be happy. My dad...I don't know. We weren't very close and I didn't have him around for a long time growing up. I think he would've been very uncomfortable with it, more than my mom, but not say anything because he loves me.

As far as I know, I only have one cousin that would definitely be okay with it. She has lgbtq friends and so do her kids. She's the only family member I've seen say that she is for LGBT rights. This cousin, her husband, and their two grown children would most likely be okay with it. If I come out to anyone in my family, she'll be the first one I go to.

I've known for awhile, maybe since I was 20 or so, that I'm probably bi. There were some repressed feelings when I was younger but there's no way I would've accepted it about myself back then. Kate McKinnon in Ghostbusters really sealed the deal for me that I'm not straight. After that movie, I started allowing myself to privately think some women are attractive. So Kate McKinnon, Ellen DeGeneres, Hannah Hart, queens of my bisexual awakening. Apparently I have a thing for blondes.

Last year when Dan Howell, Phil Lester, and Eugene Yang all came out around the same time, that's when it really hit me "oh...I'm bi? Should I come out?". It's been on my mind constantly since then. I've gone back and forth between "I need to come out" and "nah, I'm fine as I am", with a bit of "I want to but I'm scared" in the middle.

Since then, I've only made tiny baby steps towards coming out. On a survey, I said my sexuality is bisexual or questioning. When my workplace equal opportunity questionnaire asked if I'm lgbt I said "I do not wish to provide this information". That's not really "out" but it's not saying I'm not lgbt either. I just don't know how private that information is and I don't want any retaliation if the wrong person knows.

I'm working out how to tell my husband. He knows I'm a big supporter of lgbtq+ rights. One of his best friends is either bi or lesbian (she has kids from a hetero relationship but she's currently in a relationship with a woman). I feel like he might know I'm not totally straight and he's hinted at it before but I'm not positive. I'm scared. I don't want to lose him. I don't want anything to change in our marriage. I don't want him to feel like I love him any less. I wanted to tell him before we got married but I was too scared. I knew if we broke up because of it, I'd have to come out because people would want to know what happened. I'd lose my best friend and love of my life, lose his family who I love like my own, and would be forced to come out before I'm ready. That's scary as hell.

I know my husband loves me. I know he knows I love him. I'm just scared. I don't want to ruin anything but I want to be open about this part of me.

My sexuality doesn't change anything about me. I'm still the same person. My sexuality is just a fact about me. I sometimes see an attractive woman and think "holy shit. Don't objectify her, that's creepy, don't be an asshole, but holy shit. Does she realize how beautiful she is???? AND she smells nice?? AND she's a nice person?????!!". The only difference is I can tell people about these feelings. Maybe not that beautiful nice lady who smells like flowers because I'm still a shy, introverted, socially awkward weirdo. But anyone else I'm comfortable and out with, sure.

So, that's it. I'm bi. GoodBi. Has that joke already been made?